Trust

My eyes are showing their age.  It began right after my 40th birthday.   Everything I read became difficult to read.  I found myself holding things farther from my face so that I could see things clearly.  Soon my arms weren't long enough.  I could no longer deny it; I needed reading glasses.  So I went to the local mega mart and purchased a pair for every room in the house.  (I did that because my eyes aren't the only thing giving out.... I usually can't remember where I put the glasses that I just had on!)  The glasses helped, but then another problem emerged.....I needed more light.  Now if I want to read, I need my glasses and a flood light!  To be honest, this has been a frustrating change.  I like seeing clearly. I like seeing all the details when I read or look at something.  I also like seeing life situations clearly.

Right now, I'm experiencing a situation that is fuzzy and unclear.  I can't see the details.  It is very frustrating.  I know that God is working.  I know He has a plan.  I'm just having trouble seeing.  I've asked to see the plan.  God tells me not to worry; He knows the plan.  I've asked to see Him working.  He tells me to trust Him; He is working.   I tell Him I want to see.  He says, I know; you will someday....  He's calling me to focus solely on Him and not the circumstances.  Some days that is hard.  I am easily distracted.  Other days, He sends me gentle, loving reminders.  Reminders that He delights in me, that He has a plan, and that He can be trusted.  He is faithful.  He is powerful.  He is good. 

He is teaching me to live without seeing all the details.  I learning to trust more.

Why

Why me God?  This is a question that a lot of us have asked at one time or another.  Often it's a response to an unpleasant event.  An unwanted diagnosis.  A death.  A conflict in a relationship.  A problem at work.  A change.  I remember asking this question when we learned we were having quadruplets.  I remember asking it again when our son was diagnosed with autism.  Why me God? 

Often times, we ask why hoping to find an answer that justifies the circumstances we face. Hoping to make sense of it all. And if we can just find the key to why these things are happening, maybe we can stop them. Or change them. Or prevent them in the future.   But all this searching keeps the focus on self.  What have I done? What didn't I do?  

In the last few weeks, I have had wonderful opportunities to live out my passion; my dream.  I have spent time writing and planning upcoming speaking events.  I have spent time with other women where we have encouraged each other and shared our burdens.  I have been blessed and filled with gratitude by these opportunities.  But I find myself again asking, why me God?  Why, of all people, have You given me this gift of living out my dream?  There are more gifted writers and speakers.  There are more spiritually mature and loving women.  There are other women who have not made the mistakes I have made.  Why me God?   The answer, thankfully, does not depend on me, but on who God is.  You see, God loves to take ordinary women and do extraordinary things.  He chooses the weak, the broken, the uncertain, the timid.  He works through them so that everyone can see His power, love, and mercy.  So why me?  Why you?  Because He's God and He can.

Bravery

I heard two stories of bravery today.  One was of a teenage girl; the other a middle aged woman.  Both of them bravely decided not to settle.  They wanted more from their relationships.  They knew they deserved better.  So they let go of what they had, trusting for better.  That is bravery that I want to celebrate!  And it inspires me.

I think we so often settle.  We settle for what we see.  We settle for what we know, even if we don't really like it.  We settle because we don't want to make waves.  We don't want to be seen in a negative way.  We want to be liked.  We begin to settle so much in our lives that we lose sight of what we really want and need.  Soon we are living a life that is so much less than what we dreamed it could be.  But like these women, we too can be brave.  We can make those difficult decisions, have those difficult conversations, and make necessary changes.   We do not have to settle. 

Today, I choose to be brave.

Basketball

I"m learning to play basketball.  I know what you're thinking, at my age I should already know how.  I've watched basketball for years and have played a game of pig once or twice, but I have never really learned anything beyond that.  I was always too afraid of looking silly and uncoordinated.

When I was young, I lived in Arizona and spent most of my time outside in a pool.  I didn't really know anyone who played basketball and by the time I really wanted to learn, I was middle school aged.  We had moved to a new town and there was a girls basketball team.  Those girls had been playing for a long time.  Needless to say, they were pretty good.  I, however, couldn't even walk and dribble the ball at the same time.  (Did I mention that I am not a natural born athlete and have poor eye hand coordination?)  I became embarrassed and ashamed at my lack of ability.  At the time, I didn't realize that what I needed most was instruction and practice.  I just believed that I was a terrible athlete and would never be good at any sport.  So I became content to just sit on the sidelines.  No more...

One of my sons goes out to shoot hoops almost every evening.  He asked me to join him.  So we began by playing pig.  Yes, he won.  Then I asked him to show me how to do a lay up.  He patiently showed me.  As I practiced my shot, he gave me helpful suggestions on how to improve.  I realized something that night;  I look like an uncoordinated middle aged woman who makes funny faces while she shoots a ball.  And I don't care!  I love it!  I am having a great time with my son and I am giving my kids great stories to tell about their mom.  (Usually involving the faces.) 

For so long I have missed the joy of playing the game for fear that I would look silly.  Now I understand that it is not about how I look, but about my willingness to try.  How many other things have I missed out on in life because I didn't want to look silly, or dumb, or awkward? And is it really so bad to look human and imperfect?  Most of us are drawn to people who allow their imperfections and humanity to show.  It reminds us that we don't have to try to be perfect ourselves.  We can simply be who we were created to be. And that is enough.

Disappointment

I'm seeing disappointment in a new way.  Recently, a set of circumstances presented themselves.  I knew in my heart that God was in the midst of the situation and that He was working.  And I began to dream about the incredible things He was going to do.  I dreamed about lives being changed and new life rising from dead bones.  I was ready.  But things have not gone as I had hoped.  Instead, disappointment has come. And if I am honest, my disappointment is that God has not worked in the way I had hoped or thought He would.  He has not followed my suggested plan of what could or should happen. (Oh, is my pride showing?)  So I am disappointed.  My disappointment led to a place of discouragement and questioning.  Did I not hear Him correctly?  Was I being self-centered?  Was I not seeing things clearly?  How could I have been so wrong?

But then He reminded me of something I have learned about myself while watching movies.....  My favorite are epic adventures.  Those have a hero who is thrust into a great adventure to fight some form of evil.  At every turn there seems to be another obstacle to overcome, yet the hero continues.  She may experience disappointment, loss, discouragement and the like, but she continues because she believes in the desired outcome.  She stays focused on the prize; the victory; the big picture.  I so want to be that hero.  I long to be brave and have great adventures that have a lasting impact on the world.

So now instead of questions and discouragement, I'm using my disappointment as motivation. No, I have not seen the desired outcome in the circumstances.  No, God did not work the way I wanted Him to.  No, I don't know why.  (Maybe because He knows better than me and sees the entire picture!)  Yes, I still believe God will work things out in His own time.  The difference for me, is that I won't let disappointment defeat me or stop me from pursuing my dream.  God has helped me turn my disappointment into passion; a passion I know He will use.

Anemic

I have chronic anemia.  It is something I have dealt with for many years.  I have tried adding a lot of iron rich foods to my diet, but they are not enough.  I need to take iron supplements.  The problem is that I am not good at taking them consistently, especially when I'm feeling good.  So I'll skip a few days, which turn into weeks, which turn into months.  At first, I don't really notice a change.  I may get tired more easily, but I have five kids, a husband, and a dog, who wouldn't get tired!  So I cope.  Then other changes occur: I get winded easily, I'm a little more irritable, I feel a little 'blue'.   I don't think about these changes being caused by my low iron until someone asks why I look so pale and tired.  And no woman wants to hear how tired she looks! 

I think we can become anemic in our walk with God.  It can happen in many ways.  Maybe we are disappointed, or neglect our relationship with God, or allow anger and bitterness to take root in our heart, or allow a sin to go unchecked.  Whatever the cause, soon we start having symptoms.  We are easily angered, we use sarcasm to hurt others, we begin to build walls around our hearts, we pull away, we doubt.  Before we know it, we are anemic. We are pale and tired.  We lack life and vitality.

So what do we do?  Often, we turn to the latest book or sermon series, a conference or retreat, or a vacation hoping to bring us back to life.  Those are all good things, but I'm learning that this calls for more than just a quick fix.  It calls for time.  Time with God and His word.  Time with others.  Time for healing.  How much time?  I don't know.  I'll let you know when I get there......

Change

Change can be hard.  I have several friends who are experiencing major changes in their lives.  And I'm not just talking menopause.  Some of the changes are filled with great anticipation.  Some are filled with incredible heart ache.  All of them have an element of uncertainty.  It's that uncertainty that is so unnerving.

We are anticipating a change at my house in the next three months.  My younger kids will be joining their big sister in high school.  I know that compared to other changes, this one may seem minor, but it brings a level anxiety for all of us.  For my younger children, it is the reality of going to school with 3,000 other kids.  And having to meet the requirements of teachers who are preparing them for college.  For my older daughter, it is the realization that she has only two years left before she begins a new chapter in her life.  (Plus, she likes not having her siblings in the same school; she tires of being known as 'the quad's big sister'.)  For me, it's knowing that I have just a few more years of active parenting before my children set out to begin their own lives.  And though I am very excited to see what God has in store for them, I know it will be hard to see them go.  They will soon be adults.  They will be making their own decisions and living their lives.  Will they be ready?  Will they continue to grow in their faith?  What will our relationship look like?  I don't know.  The uncertainty.

So I look to my friends who are dealing with change now.  There are days filled with tears and anger and frustration.  But mostly the days are spent leaning on God; trusting that He does in deed have a plan and that He goes with them at all times.  I know that change will come.  It is inevitable.  I know that there may be difficult times ahead.  But I know I will not be alone.  I will be walking with women who have gone before me.  Women who can help me see the pit falls and gain perspective when I am too near sighted.  Women who inspire me to fully trust God.  For these women, these friends, I am truly grateful.

Transparent

I want to be transparent.  I was talking with a woman whose sister is teaching English in China.  Her real purpose is to share the Gospel.  She is not allowed to tell anyone about Jesus while teaching, but she can outside of school.  So she has set up groups where she might have the opportunity to talk about God.  Apparently, her students love meeting with her.  It made me think.  What draws people to her?  What do they see that is different?  Could it be vulnerability and transparency?

When my children were younger, I was asked frequently how did I do it?  How did I manage five children born 21 months apart without totally losing my mind?  (Thankfully, most of my mind losing was in the comfort of my own home or with close friends who promised to love me no matter what!)  Those questions gave me wonderful opportunities to share God. I told them that I honestly couldn't make it without Him.  I shared how God provided for me, for us, through other people volunteering to help.  I told stories of how other moms encouraged me, supported me, and hugged me when I cried.  I shared how God's word and His presence nourished me, built me up, and changed me.  I found it easy to do because, quite frankly, I was too tired to keep up the mask that we all like to wear.  The one that says: I have it all together. 

I was in over my head and I knew it. But now as the kids get older and I'm getting enough sleep, I find myself trying to put the mask back on.  It seems everyone is wearing one these days. We are all fine and we never really need anything.  Difficult situations are brushed off as no big deal; nothing that we can't handle...... That is not how I want to live my life.  The mask is tiring and burdensome and it creates a barrier in relationships.  I want it off!  And I'm finding that I am not alone.  But there is a fear that lurks there.  It says that certain people will not understand or will twist what they see in order to gain control.  It tells me that what is underneath is not good enough.  But that is a lie. I am God's child; fearfully and wonderfully made. Yes, some may not understand and some may even be disappointed.  But I am willing to risk it for the freedom and the joy that I experience as I live my life without the mask.  Care to join me?

Grace

I got a wonderful picture of grace while walking with my son.  We were talking about an incident where I pushed him down on the ice....  I didn't mean to push him down.  We were goofing around while taking a break from ice skating.  I was trying to pretend to push him down....Not my best parenting moment.  I helped him up, told him I was very sorry, and tried to hug him.  (He's a teenager and does not want to be hugged by his mom in public!)  Later as we walked and laughed about my parenting skills, he said he could name at least five other times where I "messed up".   He named the time I backed the van into a mailbox and of my mad 80's dancing skills in public.  Then he paused; he thought for awhile and said he couldn't remember any more.  Wow!  That is grace.

You see, while he was thinking, I thought of several things he could say.  The times I lost my temper and yelled.  The times I didn't validate his feelings.  The times I was selfish and told him, "just one more minute" until he left with his need unmet.  Yet, he didn't remember those times.  He was not holding on to my mistakes.  He had let them go, but I hadn't.

That's the problem we have, isn't it?  We don't let go of our mistakes.  We  feel bad.  We ask for forgiveness when necessary.  We try to make restitution.  But then we continue to hold them close.  We play them over and over in our minds.  We use them to feed our insecurities and our fear.  But that is not how God wants us to live.  He wants us to seek His mercy and grace.  In doing so, we can let go of our mistakes and live in freedom.  Free from the guilt and comdemnation.  God says He will remember our sins no more.  He and my son have let them go.  Now it's time for me to do the same.