Father's Day

I used to dread Father's Day.  When I was younger, kids would tease me about not having a father.  We lived in a small town where, at the time, no one else in my class had experienced divorce.  At the end of the school year when we made gifts for our dads, the kids would taunt me; telling me I had no one to give my gift to.  My heart was broken by the fact that I did have a father, he just chose not to have a relationship with me.  Thankfully, I did have a wonderful grandfather who always showered me with love and affection.  I was his only grandchild for many years and the only granddaughter for twenty.  To say that he spoiled me would be an understatement.  As much as I loved my grandfather and was blessed by his presence in my life, I always wondered what a real father looked like.  Now I know.

From the first moment my husband laid eyes on our first child, I knew a father was born.  He stood there just gazing and smiling at her for what seemed like hours.  He developed an evening routine with her before bed that included play time and a bath.  It was his time with her and it was sacred.  He continued the routine when the quads came along; it just became a little more challenging juggling all five.  I have watched him love each one of them for who God created them to be.  He disciplines them so they know what is right.  He talks to them about who God is and what He has done for us.  He has big expectations for our children because he knows what they are capable of doing, but is gracious and merciful if they fall short of the goal.  He is fiercely protective and creates a safe, loving environment for them to learn and grow.  He does make mistakes, but is strong enough to ask for forgiveness.  I am very thankful for him.

I have seen first hand the love of a father and the blessings it brings to a child.  Through my husband, I witness the sweet reflection of my Heavenly Father's love.  It brings healing to my broken heart and fills me with unspeakable joy.  I am truly blessed!

Scars

My kids like to compare scars.  They compare them with each other and with their friends.  One of my sons has a scar from a friend hitting him in the head with a golf club.  It required stitches.  My other son has a scar from a hernia repair.  (Thankfully, he does not show that scar to anyone!)  My oldest daughter has a scar on her chin and one by her ear from two different falls.  All of my younger children have scars from IVs.  They were nine weeks early and required many.  Sometimes my husband and I will join in and show our various scars.  Some of which we acquired during childhood and some as adults.   In some way, it is interesting to recount the different incidences that caused the injuries.  Often times we find ourselves laughing about the circumstances and the reactions of others.  Some of the stories only got funny with age... 

Comparing our scars is really an act of intimacy.  Through the telling of the stories we discover important details about each other.  We learn of important events.  We learn the thoughts and feelings of others.  We also learn the impact the events have had.  I learned from my oldest daughter, who saw her brother get hit with the golf club, that she thought he was going to die because of all the blood.  She was terrified and worried for her brother.  And now she has no interest in learning to play golf.  She associates it with getting hurt.  (Did I mention she saw me get hit in the head with a golf club as well?) 

You can learn a lot about someone from their scars.  That's why I think it is so important to share them with those who are close to us.  Our scars speak to where we have been and why we react the way we do.  I know it can be scary.  You may not want to share all the gory details, especially at first, but there is closeness that enters into relationships when we share our scars.  And so often, in the sharing, God brings healing.  One day while sharing the scars of my father leaving, my youngest daughter, with tears in her eyes, said that she was sure my father did love me even if he couldn't be with me.  Those words pierced my heart and brought healing in a way that I could never have imagined. 

So don't cover your scars as if they don't exist or don't matter.  They do.  Share them when you feel led to do so.  You may be surprised what God will do....

Smiling

I had lunch with a friend a few days ago.  She was telling me how she had begun taking piano lessons.  She had wanted to learn to play the piano for a while and was given the gift of lessons for her birthday.  Her entire face lit up as she began to tell me about her lessons and the song she was learning.  She became a giddy little girl right before my very eyes.  It was fantastic!  What caught my attention were her comments about how the joy and the richness of playing permeated other areas of her life.  The fulfillment she received while playing the piano overflowed, and brought her peace and satisfaction long after she had finished.  I found myself smiling and being filled with immeasurable joy as she shared her experience.  I can't help but smile every time I think about it!

It made me think about God's reaction when we follow our dreams.  I think it makes Him smile.  After all, He was the one who gave them to us.  And He knows better than anyone, even ourselves, the joy and satisfaction we receive when we pursue a dream.  When we follow our dreams, we become like little children who have discovered a hidden treasure; giddy with excitement.  I think He can't help but smile!  

The Current

My family and I recently went to a large water park.  We spent two full days in the sun and water.  We had a wonderful time.  Some of the rides were thrilling.  We would start off with a sudden drop only to twist and turn and drop some more until we ended with a large splash at the bottom.  There was a lot of screaming involved. (Yes, I am a chicken, but I loved the rides!)  Some of the other rides were a bit more relaxing, like the lazy river.  For this ride, there were currents that would push us down the river.  There were a few rapids thrown in from time to time for a little excitement, but mostly we were to float and enjoy.  However, I found myself not enjoying.  I was getting caught in currents (we called them 'the vortex') that would keep me circling in one place for quite some time.  Often times, my traveling buddies would pass by unable to help.  So there I floated until I was bumped by another rider or a lifeguard helped me.   And once moving I paddled furiously to catch up to my friends.  It could get very frustrating.  And not very relaxing.

At one point, I looked back and saw my oldest daughter caught in the vortex.  I was struck by the look on her face.  She was stuck, but didn't seem all that concerned.  She knew that in time she would get out.  She also knew that sooner or later she would catch up to us or we would stop and wait for her.  She was enjoying the ride.  So while I struggled, she surrendered to the current.  While I wore myself out, she relaxed and went where the water took her; trusting that she would get to where she wanted to go. 

I so want to be like her as I walk this journey.  All too often, I struggle against where God is taking me.  I think I'm not moving fast enough or in the right direction.  I become troubled because others seem to be passing me by.  They seem to be making progress while I'm stuck in the same place unable to catch the current.  I become tired, worn out, grumpy, and unmerciful.  That is not who I want to be.  So, I'm learning to surrender to the current.  I'm allowing God to determine where I go and how fast I'll get there.  I'm learning to enjoy the ride.  

Thankful

I did not want to write today.  It has been a long week.  The last week of school for my kids and all that entails.  The last week to make any changes to my son's mainstream plan for next year.  The last week to try to meet some friends before summer vacations and moves take place.  The last week to have a quiet house for a few hours a day.  Add to that, internet trouble and various minor inconveniences of misplaced items.  I am tired physically and emotionally.  Yet, here I am writing.  I'm writing because my family won't let me skip my scheduled writing times.  And for that, I am so thankful.

I heard a quote from a football coach today.  The main idea was that a coach makes his players do what they don't want to do, so they can achieve the goals they have always dreamed of.  My family has become my coach.  Collectively and individually they push me to do things that I may not want to do, but need to do in order to follow my dream.  They know when I am tempted to put off writing, but won't let me, even if it means they have to wait for something they want.  They know when I am discouraged, so they remind me of my purpose and passion. They will not let me give up or slip into complacency.  They will not allow fear or excuses to stand in the way.  They continue to push and love me as I work toward my goal.  For this precious gift, I am so thankful!

Trust

My eyes are showing their age.  It began right after my 40th birthday.   Everything I read became difficult to read.  I found myself holding things farther from my face so that I could see things clearly.  Soon my arms weren't long enough.  I could no longer deny it; I needed reading glasses.  So I went to the local mega mart and purchased a pair for every room in the house.  (I did that because my eyes aren't the only thing giving out.... I usually can't remember where I put the glasses that I just had on!)  The glasses helped, but then another problem emerged.....I needed more light.  Now if I want to read, I need my glasses and a flood light!  To be honest, this has been a frustrating change.  I like seeing clearly. I like seeing all the details when I read or look at something.  I also like seeing life situations clearly.

Right now, I'm experiencing a situation that is fuzzy and unclear.  I can't see the details.  It is very frustrating.  I know that God is working.  I know He has a plan.  I'm just having trouble seeing.  I've asked to see the plan.  God tells me not to worry; He knows the plan.  I've asked to see Him working.  He tells me to trust Him; He is working.   I tell Him I want to see.  He says, I know; you will someday....  He's calling me to focus solely on Him and not the circumstances.  Some days that is hard.  I am easily distracted.  Other days, He sends me gentle, loving reminders.  Reminders that He delights in me, that He has a plan, and that He can be trusted.  He is faithful.  He is powerful.  He is good. 

He is teaching me to live without seeing all the details.  I learning to trust more.

Why

Why me God?  This is a question that a lot of us have asked at one time or another.  Often it's a response to an unpleasant event.  An unwanted diagnosis.  A death.  A conflict in a relationship.  A problem at work.  A change.  I remember asking this question when we learned we were having quadruplets.  I remember asking it again when our son was diagnosed with autism.  Why me God? 

Often times, we ask why hoping to find an answer that justifies the circumstances we face. Hoping to make sense of it all. And if we can just find the key to why these things are happening, maybe we can stop them. Or change them. Or prevent them in the future.   But all this searching keeps the focus on self.  What have I done? What didn't I do?  

In the last few weeks, I have had wonderful opportunities to live out my passion; my dream.  I have spent time writing and planning upcoming speaking events.  I have spent time with other women where we have encouraged each other and shared our burdens.  I have been blessed and filled with gratitude by these opportunities.  But I find myself again asking, why me God?  Why, of all people, have You given me this gift of living out my dream?  There are more gifted writers and speakers.  There are more spiritually mature and loving women.  There are other women who have not made the mistakes I have made.  Why me God?   The answer, thankfully, does not depend on me, but on who God is.  You see, God loves to take ordinary women and do extraordinary things.  He chooses the weak, the broken, the uncertain, the timid.  He works through them so that everyone can see His power, love, and mercy.  So why me?  Why you?  Because He's God and He can.