Letting Go

When do you know it's time to let go?  I watched as my second oldest daughter cleaned out her school binder.  She sorted her papers into two piles.  One to keep and one to throw away.  I asked her if she liked cleaning out her binder.  She said, "yes because I find stuff that I have been carrying around that I don't need and I can get rid of it." She is a smart girl. 

As I continue to unpack my dream, I'm finding things that don't work for me any more.  Thoughts, attitudes, and situations that at one time seemed to make sense or be beneficial, no longer work.  In fact, they cause trouble.  I should let them go.  But I find myself struggling.  Do I really need to let them go?  Should I figure out a way to make them work?  After all, I have carried some of them around for years.  It would be a shame to throw them out now..... My daughter, on the other hand, seemed to have no trouble throwing out the things she didn't need.  There was no struggle, no deep contemplation, no tears.  She simply threw them away and went on with her day.  The difference?  No emotional attachment.  Who she is and her value as a person are not wrapped up in her various notes and test scores found in her binder.  I, however, have become emotionally attached to my stuff.  I have allowed my stuff to become a part of me.  I have allowed it to become a permanent resident.  But, now I know I have a choice.

I can choose what I will allow in my life.  I can choose to let go of those things that don't work.  This has led to some tough decisions.  I know that not everyone will be happy with some of the choices I make.  They may question my motives.  They may question my reasoning.  They may even question my faith.  But I will not let that stop me.  It's time to let go....

The Contract

I have a contract with my family to write a book.  My oldest daughter wrote it.  When I was sharing my dream with her, she asked me what was stopping me.  I began to give her a list of excuses.  Fear of course was there, as were certain family obligations.  Somehow the tasks of laundry, dinner making, house cleaning, errand running, dog walking, and the like seemed far more important than pursuing a dream of writing.  My daughter was unwilling to accept my excuses and encouraged me to make my writing a priority.  (I told you she was going to change the world!)  Thus, the contract was written. 

It says in part: "we formally agree to support fully Karen in pursuing her dream of writing and publishing (a) book(s).  This includes moral support such as, but not limited to, encouragement of her abilities, what she is doing, and why she is doing it.....This also includes nonverbal support such as helping out around the house and letting her have time to write... By signing this, the subjects also agree that when it gets tough, we are her safety net and will gladly catch her and lift her back up....."  It was signed by all seven of us.

This contract is important to me.  It reminds me that my writing is not only important to me, but to my family.  It also helps remind me to make it a priority.  I have two writer friends who struggle with this as well. One has already published a bible study (God is in the Laundry Room) and the other has children's books in her heart and mind that are waiting to be written. Each one of has used excuses to put our dreams on hold or to put other things first.  Yet, I think the pursuit of a dream should be a priority. Our dreams bring joy and purpose to our lives.  And pursuing them teaches others to be brave and pursue their own dreams. 

I still have to do laundry, make dinner, clean the house, and the like, but I will no longer use them as excuses.  Besides, I don't want to have to explain to my family that I breached the contract.    


  

Healing

Do you want to be well?  I thought this question odd when Jesus asked it of a man who had been an invalid for 38 years. Of course, he wants to be well!  Who wants to be an invalid all those years?!  But I knew there was a reason He asked.

Years ago, I was confronted with a similar question.  I was seeing a therapist.  I had told her my story.  I told her of my hurts and brokenness.  I told her the effects my brokenness was having on my life.  I was sad, angry, and depressed.  After a few weeks, she confronted me.  If I wanted to continue my pity party and stay in my role as a victim, I didn't need to come back.  But, if I wanted to move from victim to survivor; she would see me the following week. Ouch!....  Did I really want to be well?  I thought I did, but maybe I didn't.  My hurt was such a part of me; it had become like a friend.  I was comfortable with it.  I knew what to expect from my hurt.  We had a certain pattern and rhythm together.  Who would I be without my hurt?  How would I function without it?  Did I really want to be well?  Was I willing to let go of what I knew, in order to have something different?   Would I put my fear aside and courageously reach for something better?

I showed up the next week ready to work.  It was scary.  It was tough.  But oh, was it worth it!   I still cry when I remember the day I went from victim to survivor.  Jesus knew what He was doing.  He asks us that question today.  Do you want to be well?  After all, He came so that He could bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners.  It may be scary.  It may have some challenges.  But incredible things happen when we answer yes.    

Dream Killers

Beware the dream killer.... My oldest daughter wants to change the world.  She wants to show others that the possibilities in life are unending; especially when you are a child of God.  She wants others to be bold and courageous; to follow their dreams; to live life beyond what they can see presently.  I love her passion and her drive.  But as she shares her dreams with others, I have noticed an interesting phenomena....the dream killer.  The dream killer lurks everywhere.  It shows up when a shared dream runs in to helpful people who want to make sure the dreamer is being realistic and careful. ....Do you have a back up plan? Are you sure that's what you really want to do? So you really think you can....?  I'm just being realistic....

Why do we do that? Why do we so quickly want to stop the dreaming?  I think it's fear.  Their bravery somehow makes us afraid. It make us afraid that we might be missing out on something bigger than what we have grown satisfied with.  Some would say that they don't want their loved ones to be disappointed or hurt if the dream is not realized.  I think we put our own excuses, for not pursuing our dreams, on other people.  If we can get others to accept our excuses, they seem valid and wise. Then we can go back to our safe and comfortable lives.  Fear wins again.

I say, NO MORE DREAM KILLER!  I will not participate anymore!  I, myself, will dream and encourage others to dream.  I will continue to fight to live in possibilities, not fear.  I will be strong and courageous for my God will be with me wherever I go.... I know my daughter will have an impact on the world.  How that looks and where God will take her is not known to me; but He knows.  So I will continue to fight the dream killers with her, for her sake and mine.

Motherhood

Motherhood was my first dream.  While I was growing up, I was always encouraged to find and build a career.  I was told to live on my own and learn to be self sufficient.  So I studied in school and searched for what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Secretly though, I dreamed of being a mom.  I didn't think I could tell anyone about my dream.  Girls were supposed to pursue being a doctor or lawyer, not being a mom.  But one day, I shared my dream.  So, when the timing seemed right, my husband and I decided to start a family. 

It seemed easy enough.  We had friends who were having children.  They would decide to start a family and within a short time, announce their pregnancy.  Some of them even planned which month they would have their child!  It seemed that God had other plans for us.  We tried.  We prayed.  We sought medical help.  But there was no child. 

Getting pregnant became my obsession.  It became my idol.  God doesn't like it when you have idols.  So He began to pursue me; to woo me back to Him.  I'd like to say that I turned around quickly without much coaxing.  But that would be a lie.  I'm a bit stubborn.  It took some time.  Some yelling.  And a lot of tears.  Until one day, I laid my dream of pregnancy and children on the altar.  I was willing to let go of my dream so that I could cling to God. 

In time, He was gracious enough to give us children.  First, a beautiful daughter and then, a set of quadruplets made up of two boys and two girls.  It hasn't been easy.  And there are days I would like to forget.  But it has been wonderful.  I get the honor and privilege of living out my most treasured dream.  God is good!

Motivation

I'm taking a tip from the Biggest Loser.  For the past several years, my family and I have watched the Biggest Loser.  The physical transformations are astounding.  My favorite part, however, is the emotional transformation of the contestants.  Most of them come to understand that their extra weight is just a symptom of their hurt, anger, betrayal, loss, or negative thinking.  I love it when the trainers help them see their flawed thinking and challenge them to reclaim who they really are.  They usually do this by getting in the contestant's face and yelling; pushing them to do more than they thought they could.  It makes me want a personal trainer for life.... without the yelling.  Someone who pushes me to reclaim who I really am.

Since I'm not going to hire a trainer, I thought I'd use another of their tools: signs.  There are several signs on the wall of the gym the contestants use to keep everyone motivated and focused.  So I have decided to put sayings, pictures, or other items on my wall to keep me motivated.  In the past I have kept these things in a folder or a box.   From time to time, I take them out.  I look at them, feel a bit of inspiration and motivation, and put them back.  The problem is, life moves in and I quickly forget those things.  (Unfortunately, as I age I find I forget a lot of things quickly.)  So out they come for good.  I want to be able to look at them and be reminded daily of who I really am, what makes me passionate, and why I'm pursuing my dream.  My hope is that over time, I will be pushed to do more than I ever thought I could do.

Easter

Easter is my favorite holiday.  One reason I love it so much has to do with my kids.  When I found out I was pregnant with quadruplets, I asked God to carry them until Easter.  Easter marked the beginning of my 31st week of pregnancy; and something in me believed that if I made it to that point, the kids would be okay.  So I began to pray.  I experienced some pre-term labor and was even in the hospital the week before Easter, but Easter morning, after begging my doctor, I was at Easter service.  I cried through most of it.  I was just so humbled that God would grant my request.  Me, a woman who had not always walked with God.  A woman whose life, I thought, often fell short of what it was meant to be.

But that is what Easter is all about.  We are unworthy of the precious gift that God has so graciously given us.   But "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us...because God so loved the world." And while Christ's death for us is incredible, His resurrection from the dead demonstrates his victory over sin and death.  This news brings such joy and peace to my heart.  I can rest in the assurance that no matter what I have done or will do, no matter how much I may fall short, I can call out to my God and He will hear me.  "I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.  Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live."  Happy Easter!

Grieving

The death of a dream.  Some dreams were never meant to be fulfilled this side of heaven.  When my husband and I had children, we automatically began to dream dreams for them.  We dreamt about what they would look like, who they would become, their gifts and talents, their spouses, their passions; the lives God planned for them.  Then, one day came the diagnosis we were expecting....autism.  Suddenly, the dreams we had for our son died.  Those dreams were replaced by questions.  Will he ever speak?  Will he go to school with his siblings?  Will he be able to live on his own?  What do we do now?

What do you do when the spouse you were to grow old with leaves or dies?  What do you do when the children you dreamed of having never come?  What do you do when your empty nest is suddenly filled with your grandchildren needing to be raised?  What do you do when the business you dreamed of owning fails?  You grieve.  I grieved.  I yelled at God.  I cried.  I got mad.  I prayed for a miraculous healing that never came.  Grief is something we all face in this fallen world.  No one likes it, and we don't get to choose if or when we experience it.  The problem isn't the grief itself, it's the getting stuck in the grief.  The problem comes when we decide to live day after day in the grief; accepting it as a burden to be carried to the bitter end.  And that's what happens, we become bitter to the end.

So what do you do when a dream dies?  You let it go.  I had to let go of the dreams I once had for my son.  And as I did, a wonderful thing began to happen.  New dreams appeared.  Dreams of who God made him to be.  Dreams of what God planned for him to do.  So I began to look for the gifts and talents that my son possessed and I began to see the new possibilities.  Yes, they were different, but not any less important or significant.

Sometimes the grief returns.  I have a friend who refers to it as a wave.  Sometimes I can see the wave coming, like at our yearly school evaluations.  Sometimes, the wave takes me by surprise.  It comes, and I find myself crying again for lost dreams.  I once again have to release them into God's hands.  But I have learned that the grief does leave and that there are new dreams to dream.

Digging

I'm a fairly practical person.  I like activities that have a few simple directions with almost certain results.  That's why I use a recipe when I cook.  I want to know that if I add certain ingredients together, I will end up with a family pleasing meal.  (This of course, rarely happens with 7 family members no matter how good the recipe is!)  My husband on the other hand, can look in the pantry or refrigerator, throw seemingly random things together using his creativity, and please everyone at the table.  I wish I could do that, but that is not who I am so I just appreciate the gift and eat his delicious creations.  So for those of you who like some guidelines or starting points, I thought I'd share three things that helped me as I tried to dig up lost dreams, gifts, and talents.

1.  Get a journal.  Take some time and think about those things you used to do that brought you or others joy.  Write down all the things you can think of, even the little silly things.  I started with my childhood and worked my way through my young adult years. Then look for patterns or common themes. This helped me to rediscover who I really was at heart.

2.  Take a friend to lunch.  Tell her what you're doing and ask her for help.  Ask her what gifts and talents she sees in you.  I found that friends would see things in me that I would overlook or count as insignificant. They helped me see my gifts in a new light.  By the way, this is always a great time to remind your friend of those gifts you see in her and what she means to you.  Who doesn't need a good lunch with a healthy dose of encouragement?

3.  Start trying things.  Look for ways to use those gifts and talents.  Give yourself permission to try new things, even if it means you might fail or discover you don't like it.  Through this process I discovered that despite having many children, teaching them was not my gift.  Large groups of children in one room make me very nervous!  So try different things; explore your world. 

I'd like to say that if you do steps 1,2, & 3 that all will be revealed; you'll discover who you were meant to be and what you were meant to do.  Unfortunately life doesn't work that way.  Think of this as an adventure to be played out over time, enjoying it as it unfolds.  Happy digging!