Ruts

Ruts can be frustrating.  I have a friend who experienced a rut in Africa.  She and several others had gone there for a mission trip.  Apparently, their vehicle got stuck in a mud rut.  The rut made it impossible to get back on the road.  It was taking them where they did not want to go.  She said that the driver then had to back up to where they were on solid ground; they had to return to the last time they were on the right path.  From there, they could follow the road and avoid the rut.  By doing this they were able to make it to their destination.

I have found myself in a relational rut lately.  Somewhere, I began to vear off the path. It was minor at first, but now, I find myself in a place I do not want to be.  There is distance and distrust.  There is hurt and anger.  This is not how it was supposed to be.  I find myself hiding my heart when I should be sharing it.  I find myself silent when I should be sharing my thoughts.  I find myself guarded when I should be transparent.  I do not like where this path is taking me, but I can't seem to turn around.  I need to back up to where I was on solid ground.  I need to back up to the path before I got caught in the rut.  And where was that?  Before I let the root of bitterness take hold.  Just to type that sentence makes me sad and sick.  I know the verses that talk of not letting the root of bitterness take hold.  The verses that talk of forgiveness, and not sinning in your anger.  Yet I did not do what I was told to do.  I held on to hurt, then anger, then bitterness.  In doing so I have created a rut that has taken me off course.  It has damaged a relationship.

So now I am backing up.  Along the way, I am asking God to help me as I choose to forgive; as I choose to let go of the hurt.  Backing up is rather uncomfortable.  It's an admission of having gone the wrong way.  I don't like that.  It's having to retrace some ground that was painful the first time around.  Although, this time I do it with God's grace and mercy.  I am making my way back to the right path.  My hope is that as I do, there can be restoration.  In the end, the relationship may not be what I want it to be.  That may not be possible.  But, I will be walking the path that God has called me to walk and hopefully, I will be doing it in a way that brings Him praise.