Survival of the Early Years

When people find out that I have five children including a set of quadruplets, I'm usually asked how I did it.  How did I survive and  maintain my sanity?  I usually answer the same way; by the grace of God and our church family.  

God put us in a church that loved others and was willing to jump in when needed.  We had over a hundred people who came to our house to help with babies, house cleaning, lawn work, and meals.  And God supernaturally helped my husband and I to just do what we had to do.  I've noticed, though, that this answer, while true, doesn't seem to satisfy.  Really, what people want are some specific things we did when faced with a God sized calling.  So here are a few.

We admitted our great need.  We knew we were in way over our heads.  In fact, I told God several times during the early part of my pregnancy that I was not going to be able to handle five kids.  I was not equipped in any way shape or form.  And this was not the plan that we had for our lives.  Admitting our need may have seemed like an obvious thing to do given the circumstances, but it was difficult.  My husband and I were driven people who liked to control and plan things.  (We still do.)   We were taught to do what you had to do to help yourself in life.  Now we had to admit to others that we needed help; we couldn't do it ourselves.  It was hard. 

We let others help even when it was uncomfortable.  It was strange having people in our house all the time; seeing our dirt and mess.  Women came to our house to clean our toilets and mop the floors.  Those are things I would normally do before people came over. Yet all I could do was thank them.  One of the most difficult days for my husband was when our pastors wife mowed our lawn.  She was just being a mom and helping her teenage boys who had volunteered to mow.  But there she was, in the front yard doing what he had always been able to do, but couldn't now.  Letting others help was very humbling.

We prayed.  We prayed for God's help, His wisdom and guidance, His provision, His strength.  And He was faithful.  God provided laborers.  He provided expensive formula from a doctor who knew our need.  He provided financially through my husband's job.  He gave us strength when we were at the end of ourselves and felt like we just could not go anymore.  We experienced first hand the miracles of God.

I reached out for specific help.  As I said earlier, I was not equipped for five small children.  I knew I needed help.  I asked a  wonderful woman (the one who mowed our lawn) if she would meet with me and be my mentor.  I had questions about raising children and she offered answers covered in prayer and love.   I reached out to my doctor when I thought I was going crazy trying to keep it all together.  (She had four kids including a set of twins so she understood my life!)  I reached out to a Christian counselor so she could help me with my perfectionism.  I reached out to friends to help me maintain perspective and provide fun and laughter.  I learned the importance of community and friendship.

We took breaks from the day to day demands.  My husband and I had a lot of dates the first couple of years after the quads were born.  We knew we needed time to be together and reconnect as a couple.  We also gave each other breaks.  The best thing my husband did for me was book a hotel room for a night.  I would go in the afternoon and not come back until the next day.  I got to do whatever I wanted.  I would sleep, read, watch a movie, eat an entire meal before it got cold, and enjoy the quiet.  He did this several times for me.  It's probably the main reason we're still married and I didn't lose my mind!

In the end, it boiled down to God's grace and our church family.  It still does....

This is not Goodbye

Since my children were born, I've known that God has a plan for their lives, an eternal purpose for each one of them.  A purpose to bring honor and glory to Him.   For this, He has gifted each one of them and given them each a passion for something.  (Even if they're unsure of what that is now.)  So in my season of preparing to let go of my children, I hold on to the knowledge that God loves each one of them deeply and that He has a great adventure prepared for them.  One where they will know Him more intimately and personally.  One where they will be salt and light pointing others to God.

I have rediscovered a song from the Sidewalk Prophets called This is not Goodbye from their Live Like That CD.  It's a beautiful song that speaks to this very idea of letting go so that someone you love can go be who God created them to be.  Enjoy...with Kleenex.

Being Seen

Lately, I've been watching What not to Wear while I eat lunch.  I enjoy watching how the hosts help the contributors realize their potential.  They help them to accept who and where they are in life and to dress the body they have, not the body they wish they had.  It's fun to see not only the physical transformation, but the emotional one as well. 

The contributors vary in age, gender, ethnicity, life experiences, family situations, employment, etc.  But I am struck by a recurring theme for many of the female contributors... wanting to be invisible and unknown.  They are so afraid of rejection or so used to it that they think being invisible is a better alternative.  So they either fade into the back ground or dress in a way to garner attention, but still remain anonymous.  How sad.  Yet, it's become a way of life for many women.  And it's a lonely place to be.  I know; I've been there.

Like most women, I long to be seen, to be known, and be loved.  Yet, my fear of rejection kept me from letting anyone see the real me for many years. I was so sure that if people really knew me, the good, the bad, and the ugly, that they would pull away or condemn.  So I hid.  I made sure I didn't stand out.  I tried to do the right things, say the right things, and be what others wanted me to be.  As I lived trying to be unknown, I found myself withdrawing and isolating.  I convinced myself that I didn't have real value.  I was sure that in the end no one would miss me.  Besides, how can you miss someone you don't really know?  But God...

But God stepped in and showed me the truth; God does see me.  He knows me fully.  It was He who created me; formed me in my mother's womb.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly. He knows where I've been and what I've done.  And yet, get this, He loves me....deeply and unconditionally.  There's no need for me to shrink into the shadows and hide.  I am fully known and loved by God.  And so are you!  Let these truths settle in and take root in your heart.  Let yourself be seen.  Venture out and be who you were created to be.  And know your courage just might give others the boldness to step out of the shadows, too....




 

The Retreat

This past weekend I spoke at a woman's retreat in Bedford Springs, Pennsylvania.  We were at a spa resort which boasts eight natural springs purported to have healing qualities.   It was wonderful.  It reminded me why I so enjoy going to retreats.

As women, we spend a lot of time making sure we have on our armor and our masks.  We want to protect ourselves from hurt and present a 'put together woman' to the world.  Then we go to a retreat.  It's a time for each woman to step out of her life and take a breath. It's a time where we can lower the armor and the mask and be who we really are.  We get to practice vulnerability.

I'm always amazed at how worshipping, learning, and laughing together can allow women the freedom to share more freely what's really going on in their hearts and minds.  We all start out as 'fine' and sooner or later are willing to talk about those things with which we are struggling.  And as we lower our protective gear and share our hearts, others can come in to encourage and love us.  It's a beautiful thing to see!  Women listening to one another, crying with one another, celebrating with one another, praying with one another.  It's seeing God's love in action.  It's magnificent! 

The key for me is to keep practicing vulnerability after the retreat ends.  Satan is quick to whisper that I have taken off the mask and someone might see the real me.  His lies say that who I am is not good enough and the mask must be put back on.  This is where I must turn my focus on God and His truth.  I am good enough and valuable because I am His.  God reminds me that with my mask and armor on, I'm not able to receive the encouragement, love, and grace I need.  So I keep the mask off.  It can be scary.  Sometimes others don't like what they see.  But mostly, others are just relieved because they too are choosing to live without the mask.  What freedom! 

Someone Like Me

"You don't want someone like me."  My heart broke as he said those words because I knew that he truly believed them.

My kids and I had been walking down the streets inviting people to come to a Thanksgiving feast we were helping with when we met him.  He was surprised to see us and asked what we were doing there.  We told him and invited him to join the festivities.  He asked if we were from a church as he tried to hide his recently purchased beer and cigarettes in his jacket.  We told him yes, and invited him again to join us.  That's when he said those words that I couldn't get out of my head,  "You don't want someone like me." 

Someone like me....Someone who doesn't have it all together.  Someone who struggles with addiction.  Someone who struggles with negative self talk.  Someone who struggles with anger.  Someone who struggles with grief and sorrow.  Someone who has made a mess of things.  Someone who doesn't have anything to offer...  I have been that someone.  That someone I was sure no one wanted or would ever want.  And yet, that's exactly who Jesus came for.  He came for the lost and the broken, the sick and the lame, the hurt and the broken hearted, the "someones" of this world.  He came for me, and for you, and for him.....

 I saw tears in his eyes as I told him he was exactly who we wanted and that I'd be disappointed if he didn't come; I would miss him.  He hugged me tightly and said he would.  I wasn't sure, but I hoped.

He did come.  It was wonderful to talk to him and get to know him. He even used my cell phone to call others to come!  And he was one of the last leave. 

I'm not sure he fully comprehends how deeply God loves him as he is now; broken, addicted, and messy. And I understand; that's a big love to grasp.  My prayer and hope for him and for all of us "someones" is that we "grasp just how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and [that we] know (through experience) this love..." because there's nothing like knowing you are exactly who God wants (Ephesians 3:18-19). 

Sifting for Treasure

A few months ago, a family down the street had a devastating house fire.  It was an electrical fire that began in the beginning of the night.  By the time the couple was awakened by the smoke, the room next to them was engulfed in flames.  The fire quickly spread and destroyed the house.  Thankfully, they were able to escape.  Unfortunately their seven animals did not.  The home owner was very emotional as she recounted her experience and the guilt of not being able to save her beloved pets.  She said that she and her husband would rebuild the house, but it would never be the same.

Last week this couple began the process of tearing down what remained of the house.  They watched as the bulldozer lifted the rubble to the dumpster. Then they sifted through the ashes to find anything to salvage.  As I watched them, I thought about how I, too, have sifted through the ashes of devastating events looking for hidden treasures.   Looking for purpose and meaning.  Why has this happened?  What am I supposed to learn from this experience?  What is God trying to teach me?  How can I mature and grow from this?  How can I move on?   I want to know that difficult and devastating events aren't just to torture me or break me.  So I sift.  I search.

I must admit, I don't always find satisfactory answers to my questions.  There are some events that I still question.  But thankfully, God is faithful.  He brings beauty from my ashes.  He gives me opportunities to minister to others who are facing similar difficulties.  He shows me aspects of who He is in powerful, tangible ways to bring me closer to Him.  He reminds me of important truths.  He brings healing to those painful wounds.  And He helps me rebuild using those precious treasures found in the ashes....

My Rainbow Calendar

We have been in the same small city for three years now, yet my kids have not really found their places of belonging.  So all summer I kept encouraging them to get involved, try new things, join clubs, participate in youth group activities, and meet new people.  They listened.  So, as back to school closed in and the activities increased, I began to run out of room on our family calendar.  A new, bigger calendar was in order.

In an effort to save space and keep track of who had what activity, I assigned different colors for each child.  I eagerly began writing down the various activities and events.  There were cross-country and volleyball practices, games, and meets; various school club meetings; church meetings and activities; school registration events; orthodontist appointments; and babysitting, pet sitting, and house sitting.  As the calendar filled up, I had a beautifully colored masterpiece......and an anxiety attack!  Our relatively peaceful, not overly scheduled lives had become a rainbow of activity carefully plotted on the kitchen calendar. 

Instead of feeling organized and ready to face the year, I wanted to run!  An option my husband said was not going to work for him.  So I did the only thing I could think of doing.....I starting repeating 'Help me Jesus!  Help me Jesus!' over and over.  (It's the same phrase I say when I ride a roller coaster or Ferris wheel.)  As usual, He showed up to help!  No, He didn't give me a personal assistant (although that would have been awesome!) or give me more hours in the day.  Instead, He reminded me that He would be with me every step of the way, that He gave me a wonderful husband who is willing to dig in and help, and kids who have learned to offer me a lot of grace.

There are days when the sight of my rainbow calendar still overwhelms me; so I ask for help.  And some things have fallen through the cracks, like a missed guitar lesson; so I ask for grace.  Thankfully, I am given both....