"You don't want someone like me." My heart broke as he said those words because I knew that he truly believed them.
My kids and I had been walking down the streets inviting people to come to a Thanksgiving feast we were helping with when we met him. He was surprised to see us and asked what we were doing there. We told him and invited him to join the festivities. He asked if we were from a church as he tried to hide his recently purchased beer and cigarettes in his jacket. We told him yes, and invited him again to join us. That's when he said those words that I couldn't get out of my head, "You don't want someone like me."
Someone like me....Someone who doesn't have it all together. Someone who struggles with addiction. Someone who struggles with negative self talk. Someone who struggles with anger. Someone who struggles with grief and sorrow. Someone who has made a mess of things. Someone who doesn't have anything to offer... I have been that someone. That someone I was sure no one wanted or would ever want. And yet, that's exactly who Jesus came for. He came for the lost and the broken, the sick and the lame, the hurt and the broken hearted, the "someones" of this world. He came for me, and for you, and for him.....
I saw tears in his eyes as I told him he was exactly who we wanted and that I'd be disappointed if he didn't come; I would miss him. He hugged me tightly and said he would. I wasn't sure, but I hoped.
He did come. It was wonderful to talk to him and get to know him. He even used my cell phone to call others to come! And he was one of the last leave.
I'm not sure he fully comprehends how deeply God loves him as he is now; broken, addicted, and messy. And I understand; that's a big love to grasp. My prayer and hope for him and for all of us "someones" is that we "grasp just how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and [that we] know (through experience) this love..." because there's nothing like knowing you are exactly who God wants (Ephesians 3:18-19).
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Sifting for Treasure
A few months ago, a family down the street had a devastating house fire. It was an electrical fire that began in the beginning of the night. By the time the couple was awakened by the smoke, the room next to them was engulfed in flames. The fire quickly spread and destroyed the house. Thankfully, they were able to escape. Unfortunately their seven animals did not. The home owner was very emotional as she recounted her experience and the guilt of not being able to save her beloved pets. She said that she and her husband would rebuild the house, but it would never be the same.
Last week this couple began the process of tearing down what remained of the house. They watched as the bulldozer lifted the rubble to the dumpster. Then they sifted through the ashes to find anything to salvage. As I watched them, I thought about how I, too, have sifted through the ashes of devastating events looking for hidden treasures. Looking for purpose and meaning. Why has this happened? What am I supposed to learn from this experience? What is God trying to teach me? How can I mature and grow from this? How can I move on? I want to know that difficult and devastating events aren't just to torture me or break me. So I sift. I search.
I must admit, I don't always find satisfactory answers to my questions. There are some events that I still question. But thankfully, God is faithful. He brings beauty from my ashes. He gives me opportunities to minister to others who are facing similar difficulties. He shows me aspects of who He is in powerful, tangible ways to bring me closer to Him. He reminds me of important truths. He brings healing to those painful wounds. And He helps me rebuild using those precious treasures found in the ashes....
Last week this couple began the process of tearing down what remained of the house. They watched as the bulldozer lifted the rubble to the dumpster. Then they sifted through the ashes to find anything to salvage. As I watched them, I thought about how I, too, have sifted through the ashes of devastating events looking for hidden treasures. Looking for purpose and meaning. Why has this happened? What am I supposed to learn from this experience? What is God trying to teach me? How can I mature and grow from this? How can I move on? I want to know that difficult and devastating events aren't just to torture me or break me. So I sift. I search.
I must admit, I don't always find satisfactory answers to my questions. There are some events that I still question. But thankfully, God is faithful. He brings beauty from my ashes. He gives me opportunities to minister to others who are facing similar difficulties. He shows me aspects of who He is in powerful, tangible ways to bring me closer to Him. He reminds me of important truths. He brings healing to those painful wounds. And He helps me rebuild using those precious treasures found in the ashes....
Monday, September 23, 2013
My Rainbow Calendar
We have been in the same small city for three years now, yet my kids have not really found their places of belonging. So all summer I kept encouraging them to get involved, try new things, join clubs, participate in youth group activities, and meet new people. They listened. So, as back to school closed in and the activities increased, I began to run out of room on our family calendar. A new, bigger calendar was in order.
In an effort to save space and keep track of who had what activity, I assigned different colors for each child. I eagerly began writing down the various activities and events. There were cross-country and volleyball practices, games, and meets; various school club meetings; church meetings and activities; school registration events; orthodontist appointments; and babysitting, pet sitting, and house sitting. As the calendar filled up, I had a beautifully colored masterpiece......and an anxiety attack! Our relatively peaceful, not overly scheduled lives had become a rainbow of activity carefully plotted on the kitchen calendar.
Instead of feeling organized and ready to face the year, I wanted to run! An option my husband said was not going to work for him. So I did the only thing I could think of doing.....I starting repeating 'Help me Jesus! Help me Jesus!' over and over. (It's the same phrase I say when I ride a roller coaster or Ferris wheel.) As usual, He showed up to help! No, He didn't give me a personal assistant (although that would have been awesome!) or give me more hours in the day. Instead, He reminded me that He would be with me every step of the way, that He gave me a wonderful husband who is willing to dig in and help, and kids who have learned to offer me a lot of grace.
There are days when the sight of my rainbow calendar still overwhelms me; so I ask for help. And some things have fallen through the cracks, like a missed guitar lesson; so I ask for grace. Thankfully, I am given both....
In an effort to save space and keep track of who had what activity, I assigned different colors for each child. I eagerly began writing down the various activities and events. There were cross-country and volleyball practices, games, and meets; various school club meetings; church meetings and activities; school registration events; orthodontist appointments; and babysitting, pet sitting, and house sitting. As the calendar filled up, I had a beautifully colored masterpiece......and an anxiety attack! Our relatively peaceful, not overly scheduled lives had become a rainbow of activity carefully plotted on the kitchen calendar.
Instead of feeling organized and ready to face the year, I wanted to run! An option my husband said was not going to work for him. So I did the only thing I could think of doing.....I starting repeating 'Help me Jesus! Help me Jesus!' over and over. (It's the same phrase I say when I ride a roller coaster or Ferris wheel.) As usual, He showed up to help! No, He didn't give me a personal assistant (although that would have been awesome!) or give me more hours in the day. Instead, He reminded me that He would be with me every step of the way, that He gave me a wonderful husband who is willing to dig in and help, and kids who have learned to offer me a lot of grace.
There are days when the sight of my rainbow calendar still overwhelms me; so I ask for help. And some things have fallen through the cracks, like a missed guitar lesson; so I ask for grace. Thankfully, I am given both....
Monday, September 16, 2013
My Long Summer Break
In May, I decided to take some time off from writing. I planned to take four to six weeks off so I could get through the crazy end of school tests and events. But on the last day of school, it happened....My oldest daughter got in the van and said, "It's official; I'm a senior!" My heart stopped. Of course I knew she was going to be a senior and things would begin to change, but hearing it made it all too real. Her words marked the beginning of a new season of parenting for me, preparing to launch my children.
I knew this day would come and as excited as I am about the adventures that lay ahead for her and her siblings, I'm also a little anxious about what the future holds. For the last 18 years, I've been a mom. Even a few nights ago at a school function, I was introduced as 'the mom with all the kids'. Soon my identity will no longer be tied so closely to my children. I will return to being Karen. Before that happens, I want to soak in the time I have left.
So my short break turned into a much longer break. This summer we played. We went to a water park and the beach. We played games. We went swimming. We toured colleges. We watched movies and caught up on TV shows. We sat together and talked. And we laughed a lot. It was fabulous! I stored up memories that I will always cherish. Memories that make me smile and laugh out loud. Memories that comfort me when I think of what's to come. Memories I can share with their children some day. Memories that make my heart full. It was time well spent......
I knew this day would come and as excited as I am about the adventures that lay ahead for her and her siblings, I'm also a little anxious about what the future holds. For the last 18 years, I've been a mom. Even a few nights ago at a school function, I was introduced as 'the mom with all the kids'. Soon my identity will no longer be tied so closely to my children. I will return to being Karen. Before that happens, I want to soak in the time I have left.
So my short break turned into a much longer break. This summer we played. We went to a water park and the beach. We played games. We went swimming. We toured colleges. We watched movies and caught up on TV shows. We sat together and talked. And we laughed a lot. It was fabulous! I stored up memories that I will always cherish. Memories that make me smile and laugh out loud. Memories that comfort me when I think of what's to come. Memories I can share with their children some day. Memories that make my heart full. It was time well spent......
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Autism and Siblings
April was Autism Awareness Month. My kids started the month off by making Autism Awareness t-shirts and sweatshirts for themselves and a few friends. They have worn their shirts every week of the month. I think the shirts give them a voice. It gives them a chance to tell others what it's like being an autistic person's sibling. And sometimes it's hard.
When they were little, it was going to the therapists office several times a week where they had to play in the waiting room when they really wanted to be at the park. It was leaving public places because their brother was having a tantrum and he couldn't calm down. It was not going to certain children's entertainment restaurants because their brother couldn't deal with all the stimulation. It was explaining to friends why their brother was lining up cars or constantly singing or repeating movie lines to himself.
These are just some of the difficulties I noticed, but I'm the mom, so my perspective is different. I wondered what their's looks like. So I decided to ask them. These are some of their responses.
It can be embarrassing. He doesn't act like other kids his age. He asks embarrassing questions loudly in public places. He sometimes does inappropriate things in public not realizing it's inappropriate. He likes to sing loudly in public. And although, he has a great voice, people do stare. He speaks lines from videos out loud and laughs.
It can be frustrating. He gets stuck in behavior patterns and it can take a while to get him to stop, even if you ask him to stop. He wants to win and be first so playing games with him takes work because you have to remind him that it's okay if he loses. His diet is limited so going out to eat can be difficult. He gets used to doing things in a certain way and at a certain time so when things are different, he can get agitated.
But there are some positive things as well.
It teaches patience. Whether they wanted to learn it or not! Each of them tolerate a lot before getting mad. They know that others may not move, think, or grow like they do so they wait when others need time to 'catch up' in some way.
It teaches understanding. They know that when someone acts a certain way, there may be a reason behind the actions even if there are no visible signs. They know it could be a disability of some sort, a difficult family situation, or just a bad day.
Autism and all it entails is a large part of our lives. It has been challenging, especially for my other kids. So my hope is that when you encounter a family with a child with a disability, you offer encouragement, love, and acceptance, especially to the siblings!
When they were little, it was going to the therapists office several times a week where they had to play in the waiting room when they really wanted to be at the park. It was leaving public places because their brother was having a tantrum and he couldn't calm down. It was not going to certain children's entertainment restaurants because their brother couldn't deal with all the stimulation. It was explaining to friends why their brother was lining up cars or constantly singing or repeating movie lines to himself.
These are just some of the difficulties I noticed, but I'm the mom, so my perspective is different. I wondered what their's looks like. So I decided to ask them. These are some of their responses.
It can be embarrassing. He doesn't act like other kids his age. He asks embarrassing questions loudly in public places. He sometimes does inappropriate things in public not realizing it's inappropriate. He likes to sing loudly in public. And although, he has a great voice, people do stare. He speaks lines from videos out loud and laughs.
It can be frustrating. He gets stuck in behavior patterns and it can take a while to get him to stop, even if you ask him to stop. He wants to win and be first so playing games with him takes work because you have to remind him that it's okay if he loses. His diet is limited so going out to eat can be difficult. He gets used to doing things in a certain way and at a certain time so when things are different, he can get agitated.
But there are some positive things as well.
It teaches patience. Whether they wanted to learn it or not! Each of them tolerate a lot before getting mad. They know that others may not move, think, or grow like they do so they wait when others need time to 'catch up' in some way.
It teaches understanding. They know that when someone acts a certain way, there may be a reason behind the actions even if there are no visible signs. They know it could be a disability of some sort, a difficult family situation, or just a bad day.
Autism and all it entails is a large part of our lives. It has been challenging, especially for my other kids. So my hope is that when you encounter a family with a child with a disability, you offer encouragement, love, and acceptance, especially to the siblings!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Dream Valuation
How do you determine the value of a dream? What criteria should be used? Is it how much money you could make? Is it the prestige or reputation you will gain? Is it the number of lives you will touch? Is it the depth of your passion?
Truthfully, I'm not sure how much I thought about putting a value on dreams until my children started to express their own and others would offer feedback. And now as my oldest daughter contemplates college and in what she will major, the concept of valuing a dream has come up numerous times.
My daughter has a passion for kids. She thinks that kids of all ages are the greatest. She is also a gifted teacher. Teaching is natural, instinctual for her. Even the teachers she has interned with comment on her natural ability and her passion. She sees the potential in each child and is willing to try numerous ways to explain concepts to them. As a result, her dream for many years has been to become a teacher. It is still one of her many dreams. But there are those who do not place a high value on her dream. "She could do so much more." "She could earn more doing something else." "She has such potential for better things." "She could be so much more than 'just a teacher'."
(Now, I won't get on my soap box and lecture you about the need for passionate, gifted teachers or how teaching is minimized. Suffice it to say, I think teaching is a wonderful profession and am thankful for the great teachers my children and I have encountered. My purpose here is not to defend one profession, but to honor dreams.)
I think the statements given in response to an other's dreams often reflects the value assessed. So, once a value is given, what are we to do with it? Are there dreams that don't have enough 'value' to even be worth pursuing? Should certain dreams be abandoned? Should some dreams be modified until their value increases sufficiently?
Ultimately, the question is, who gets to determine the value of our dreams? Will we allow others that privilege? Or will we determine the value for ourselves? My hope is that my children will boldly follow their dreams regardless of other people's assessments.
Truthfully, I'm not sure how much I thought about putting a value on dreams until my children started to express their own and others would offer feedback. And now as my oldest daughter contemplates college and in what she will major, the concept of valuing a dream has come up numerous times.
My daughter has a passion for kids. She thinks that kids of all ages are the greatest. She is also a gifted teacher. Teaching is natural, instinctual for her. Even the teachers she has interned with comment on her natural ability and her passion. She sees the potential in each child and is willing to try numerous ways to explain concepts to them. As a result, her dream for many years has been to become a teacher. It is still one of her many dreams. But there are those who do not place a high value on her dream. "She could do so much more." "She could earn more doing something else." "She has such potential for better things." "She could be so much more than 'just a teacher'."
(Now, I won't get on my soap box and lecture you about the need for passionate, gifted teachers or how teaching is minimized. Suffice it to say, I think teaching is a wonderful profession and am thankful for the great teachers my children and I have encountered. My purpose here is not to defend one profession, but to honor dreams.)
I think the statements given in response to an other's dreams often reflects the value assessed. So, once a value is given, what are we to do with it? Are there dreams that don't have enough 'value' to even be worth pursuing? Should certain dreams be abandoned? Should some dreams be modified until their value increases sufficiently?
Ultimately, the question is, who gets to determine the value of our dreams? Will we allow others that privilege? Or will we determine the value for ourselves? My hope is that my children will boldly follow their dreams regardless of other people's assessments.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
My Temper Tantrum
I have been throwing a temper tantrum for the last few weeks. Thankfully, it's been mostly in my mind and heart. (Because no one wants to see a middle aged woman throw herself on the floor to kick and scream...) Now why, you may ask, was I having this tantrum? For the usual reason; I was not getting my way. Plans were not working out as I had imagined. Things that I had done in the past were not reaping the same results as before. People were not responding to me the way I was hoping they would. Things just weren't going my way. I was left feeling disappointed, confused, and angry. So I began doing the mature thing; I went before God and began to complain and whine and stomp my feet. Thankfully, He can handle my childish behavior and still love me.
When I finally stopped and asked Him for help and clarity, He showed me Isaiah 43:18-19a. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" The ways I had done things in the past were fine and had worked, but God is wanting to do things differently this time. The problem is that I am comfortable and familiar with the 'old' ways. I don't see any reason to change. Yet, God sees the bigger picture and He cares about my growth and maturity.
So I am learning to let go of the former way of doing things. I wish I could say that it has been easy. It hasn't. New fears have emerged, my stubbornness has reached new heights, and I find myself grieving for the past when things seemed easier. But I'm also learning to trust God in new ways and I look forward to seeing what He has planned. So I've decided to stop the tantrum, resolved to forget the former ways and cling to God as He leads me in this new way. I'll let you know how it goes....
When I finally stopped and asked Him for help and clarity, He showed me Isaiah 43:18-19a. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" The ways I had done things in the past were fine and had worked, but God is wanting to do things differently this time. The problem is that I am comfortable and familiar with the 'old' ways. I don't see any reason to change. Yet, God sees the bigger picture and He cares about my growth and maturity.
So I am learning to let go of the former way of doing things. I wish I could say that it has been easy. It hasn't. New fears have emerged, my stubbornness has reached new heights, and I find myself grieving for the past when things seemed easier. But I'm also learning to trust God in new ways and I look forward to seeing what He has planned. So I've decided to stop the tantrum, resolved to forget the former ways and cling to God as He leads me in this new way. I'll let you know how it goes....
Monday, March 4, 2013
Mistakes
Mistakes happen. We miscalculate. We make wrong choices. We drop the ball. When we do, we feel bad. We want to hide. We want to deny. We want to shift blame. We can even begin to define ourselves by our mistakes. And we think they disqualify us from pursuing our dreams. So we use them as an excuse to pack away our dreams and forget they were ever in our hearts.
But we are not defined by our mistakes. We are defined, at least in part, by what we do with them. Do we allow our mistakes to dictate who we are and what we will do? Or do we learn what we can from them and move on? God's word encourages us to do the latter. Philippians 3:13 says, 'forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus'. Forgetting what is behind requires us to let go of past mistakes. We acknowledge them, ask for forgiveness, make restitution, learn from them, and then let them go. In doing so, we are able to pursue what we have been called to do without being weighed down by our past.
We may not like to admit it, but we all make mistakes. We're human. The question is, are you going to use them as an excuse to give up, or will you let them go and press on?
But we are not defined by our mistakes. We are defined, at least in part, by what we do with them. Do we allow our mistakes to dictate who we are and what we will do? Or do we learn what we can from them and move on? God's word encourages us to do the latter. Philippians 3:13 says, 'forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus'. Forgetting what is behind requires us to let go of past mistakes. We acknowledge them, ask for forgiveness, make restitution, learn from them, and then let them go. In doing so, we are able to pursue what we have been called to do without being weighed down by our past.
We may not like to admit it, but we all make mistakes. We're human. The question is, are you going to use them as an excuse to give up, or will you let them go and press on?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
HD TV
We have a high definition television. When I watch TV with my family, I drive them crazy because I don't use the HD channels. I just haven't taken the time to remember the HD channels and, besides, the other channels seem fine. At least they were, until I saw something new.
One day, while watching a show on HD I saw them..... freckles on the face of a familiar actress. I had seen her several times before, but I had never seen her freckles. I was stunned. How could I have missed them? I wondered what else I had missed. All this time, I was satisfied with the quality of the picture. But as I looked at the picture in HD, I realized I was settling for good, when better was available to me.
I do that in my life sometimes. I settle for things I know; things that are comfortable. Usually those things are good. But are they the best? Is there something that's better for me? If there is, what stops me from letting go of the good and reaching for the better? It's usually complacency. What's before me is fine; it works, so why try out the new thing. Don't fix what isn't broken. Right? Maybe. But often, that new thing challenges me, stretches me, and makes me see things in a new way. It adds color, depth, and richness to my life.
So now I use the HD channels. (I do feel bad for actors and newscasters, though. You can see all the blemishes, flaws, and wrinkles that the make-up artists try so hard to cover up!) I enjoy seeing all the details in the picture. And I am reminded that it's okay to let go and try new things....
One day, while watching a show on HD I saw them..... freckles on the face of a familiar actress. I had seen her several times before, but I had never seen her freckles. I was stunned. How could I have missed them? I wondered what else I had missed. All this time, I was satisfied with the quality of the picture. But as I looked at the picture in HD, I realized I was settling for good, when better was available to me.
I do that in my life sometimes. I settle for things I know; things that are comfortable. Usually those things are good. But are they the best? Is there something that's better for me? If there is, what stops me from letting go of the good and reaching for the better? It's usually complacency. What's before me is fine; it works, so why try out the new thing. Don't fix what isn't broken. Right? Maybe. But often, that new thing challenges me, stretches me, and makes me see things in a new way. It adds color, depth, and richness to my life.
So now I use the HD channels. (I do feel bad for actors and newscasters, though. You can see all the blemishes, flaws, and wrinkles that the make-up artists try so hard to cover up!) I enjoy seeing all the details in the picture. And I am reminded that it's okay to let go and try new things....
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Hijacking
My life was recently hijacked..... Thankfully, the culprit has been caught. It was me. I hijacked my life from God.
Now, I didn't put a gun to God and tell Him to let me take over. But by going my own way, refusing to listen to Him, and not asking for assistance or even any advise, I hijacked my life. 'It's your life,' you may say, 'how can you steal something that's yours?' Ahhh- but my life is not my own. I belong to God. He's the one who bought me with the blood of Christ. He's the one with the plan. He knows where I'm to go and how I'm to get there. He's the one with the power and the knowledge. Yet, there are times when I have chosen to live as though I am my own; that I'm the one with the plan. And I do have plans. The problem is my plans don't always align with God's plans for me. And honestly, I don't even think to ask Him.
It's during those times that I find myself lost and confused. I'm not sure where I am or how I'm going to get to where I want to go. Quite frankly, I'm not sure where I really want to go anyway. So I am left feeling lost, alone, frustrated, and a little scared.
So what did I do when I realized I had hijacked my life again? I stopped, confessed my crime (sins) and asked for forgiveness. The beautiful thing about God is that when I ask, He always forgives. His grace and mercy flow generously over my life and heart. Upon thanking Him for His wonderful gift, I asked for help, direction, and wisdom. I let Him decide where I go, how I get there, and when. And now my life is filled with peace and contentment.
Along the way, I know I will be tempted to go my own way again. I pray that in those times, God reminds of the uncertainty when I go my way and that I'll leave the driving to Him...
Now, I didn't put a gun to God and tell Him to let me take over. But by going my own way, refusing to listen to Him, and not asking for assistance or even any advise, I hijacked my life. 'It's your life,' you may say, 'how can you steal something that's yours?' Ahhh- but my life is not my own. I belong to God. He's the one who bought me with the blood of Christ. He's the one with the plan. He knows where I'm to go and how I'm to get there. He's the one with the power and the knowledge. Yet, there are times when I have chosen to live as though I am my own; that I'm the one with the plan. And I do have plans. The problem is my plans don't always align with God's plans for me. And honestly, I don't even think to ask Him.
It's during those times that I find myself lost and confused. I'm not sure where I am or how I'm going to get to where I want to go. Quite frankly, I'm not sure where I really want to go anyway. So I am left feeling lost, alone, frustrated, and a little scared.
So what did I do when I realized I had hijacked my life again? I stopped, confessed my crime (sins) and asked for forgiveness. The beautiful thing about God is that when I ask, He always forgives. His grace and mercy flow generously over my life and heart. Upon thanking Him for His wonderful gift, I asked for help, direction, and wisdom. I let Him decide where I go, how I get there, and when. And now my life is filled with peace and contentment.
Along the way, I know I will be tempted to go my own way again. I pray that in those times, God reminds of the uncertainty when I go my way and that I'll leave the driving to Him...
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Don't Get Your Hopes Up
Have you heard the phrase, "don't get your hopes up"? Have you said it to yourself or others? I have. My question is, does saying it really help? Does holding your hope at bay protect you from disappointment? Does your heart ache any less by not getting your hopes up? Not once has it worked for me. I still get disappointed. My heart still aches. The tears still come. It doesn't work. And while I try to hold my hope at bay, I find it difficult to dream and experience joy in the present. It's crazy. So I will get my hopes up and continue to dream big.......
Friday, January 25, 2013
Asking for Help
I need help... Those three little words can be so difficult to say. Almost as hard as saying I'm sorry. (that's for another time) I said those words to my oldest daughter this past weekend. I was stuck and needed help.
Over the last month or so, I had let my office area become virtually unusable. There were many reasons: the holidays with all its busyness, my 'I'll get to that tomorrow' attitude, the fact that five kids' worth of paper multiplies during the night.....But the real reason was that I had not really made the space my own.
My husband and I share a very manly office space at home. It has dark panelled walls with dark wood floors and dark granite for a work top. The previous owner designed it as his man cave disguised as an office. As a result, it has not felt like a warm and inviting space for me to be, so it became a dumping ground for every ones' stuff. The space was becoming a problem, though, because that's where I write and research. So after taking time off from writing during the holidays, I was having a hard time getting going again because I didn't want to be in the office. I was stuck. I needed help. Honestly, though, I didn't really want to ask for help. I knew what needed to be done- cleaning, organizing, a little decorating- and I knew those were things that I could do myself. I'd done them before and even helped a couple of friends before with similar tasks. Yet, I was having a hard time doing them now. I was getting more and more frustrated. That's when I decided to do it....I asked for help.
My oldest daughter is a natural organizer. She loves doing it for herself and for others and she's very good, so I asked her. To be honest, I felt a twinge of shame. I'm the mom; I'm the one who's supposed to be the helper, not the helped. I also knew that by asking, she was going to see all my stuff. Would she cringe? Would she judge? Would she be disappointed that I had let it get to this point? I wasn't sure, but I knew without her help, I would remain stuck and that was unacceptable. So I asked. She was thrilled! When we got to the office, I was overwhelmed at the sight. Not her. She dove right in and got me sorting my stuff. She helped me evaluate things when I was unsure whether to toss or keep them. She helped me let go of things that I didn't really need. She reminded me of our goal, to make the space usable and inspiring. As I sorted, she organized, labeled, and decorated. The end result is a clean, usable, and inspiring place for me to come and do my thing.
Now when I walk into the office, I feel energized and excited to work. I am so grateful that I took the risk and asked for help. Too often in the past, I wouldn't have asked. I would have let shame, fear, or even martyrdom stop me. But I'm coming to understand the importance of getting help in various aspects of my life. It seems risky. Others may get a glimpse of my mess. Some may judge. Some may misunderstand. That's okay. I'm asking anyway...
Over the last month or so, I had let my office area become virtually unusable. There were many reasons: the holidays with all its busyness, my 'I'll get to that tomorrow' attitude, the fact that five kids' worth of paper multiplies during the night.....But the real reason was that I had not really made the space my own.
My husband and I share a very manly office space at home. It has dark panelled walls with dark wood floors and dark granite for a work top. The previous owner designed it as his man cave disguised as an office. As a result, it has not felt like a warm and inviting space for me to be, so it became a dumping ground for every ones' stuff. The space was becoming a problem, though, because that's where I write and research. So after taking time off from writing during the holidays, I was having a hard time getting going again because I didn't want to be in the office. I was stuck. I needed help. Honestly, though, I didn't really want to ask for help. I knew what needed to be done- cleaning, organizing, a little decorating- and I knew those were things that I could do myself. I'd done them before and even helped a couple of friends before with similar tasks. Yet, I was having a hard time doing them now. I was getting more and more frustrated. That's when I decided to do it....I asked for help.
My oldest daughter is a natural organizer. She loves doing it for herself and for others and she's very good, so I asked her. To be honest, I felt a twinge of shame. I'm the mom; I'm the one who's supposed to be the helper, not the helped. I also knew that by asking, she was going to see all my stuff. Would she cringe? Would she judge? Would she be disappointed that I had let it get to this point? I wasn't sure, but I knew without her help, I would remain stuck and that was unacceptable. So I asked. She was thrilled! When we got to the office, I was overwhelmed at the sight. Not her. She dove right in and got me sorting my stuff. She helped me evaluate things when I was unsure whether to toss or keep them. She helped me let go of things that I didn't really need. She reminded me of our goal, to make the space usable and inspiring. As I sorted, she organized, labeled, and decorated. The end result is a clean, usable, and inspiring place for me to come and do my thing.
Now when I walk into the office, I feel energized and excited to work. I am so grateful that I took the risk and asked for help. Too often in the past, I wouldn't have asked. I would have let shame, fear, or even martyrdom stop me. But I'm coming to understand the importance of getting help in various aspects of my life. It seems risky. Others may get a glimpse of my mess. Some may judge. Some may misunderstand. That's okay. I'm asking anyway...
Monday, January 21, 2013
Princess
We have a dog named Princess. She is a 74 pound doberman/hound mix. A local vet found her at a park, nursed her back to health and put her up for adoption. We've had her now for almost ten years. She is physically strong, loyal, and very strong-willed and stubborn. Upon meeting her for the first time, her experienced dog trainer said, "Oh my, she is strong-willed. This will be challenging."
Princess' stubbornness was in full force this past week when she had four teeth pulled. (It's hard getting old even when you're a dog!) She was still heavily medicated when we picked her up from the vet so we carried her into the house and took her to her pillow expecting her to lie down. She refused. She just stood there. After a few seconds, her back legs gave way and she fell onto the floor. We thought that she would just stay down, realizing that standing was not a good plan. But, no, not her. She gathered herself together and stood again. A few seconds later, she fell. She gathered herself and, yes, stood again. She repeated this cycle a couple of more times. We finally just put her on her pillow, made her sit, and then made her lie down. To keep her down, the kids took turns sitting next to her with a hand on her back reminding her to stay put.
As I watched our dog repeat this cycle of standing, falling, and standing again, I couldn't help but laugh at her stubborn determination. She was bound and determined to stand even though lying down was best for her. It made me think of myself. I can be very stubborn and strong-willed; sometimes to my own detriment, just like Princess. I dig in my heels and refuse to do or refrain from doing what is best for me. I must look as silly as Princess; repeating behavior that doesn't work yet hoping that the results will change. I'm sure there are times when God shakes his head and chuckles as he waits for me to put aside my stubborn attitude. My hope is the next time my stubbornness rears it's head, I'll think of Princess and just lie down....
Princess' stubbornness was in full force this past week when she had four teeth pulled. (It's hard getting old even when you're a dog!) She was still heavily medicated when we picked her up from the vet so we carried her into the house and took her to her pillow expecting her to lie down. She refused. She just stood there. After a few seconds, her back legs gave way and she fell onto the floor. We thought that she would just stay down, realizing that standing was not a good plan. But, no, not her. She gathered herself together and stood again. A few seconds later, she fell. She gathered herself and, yes, stood again. She repeated this cycle a couple of more times. We finally just put her on her pillow, made her sit, and then made her lie down. To keep her down, the kids took turns sitting next to her with a hand on her back reminding her to stay put.
As I watched our dog repeat this cycle of standing, falling, and standing again, I couldn't help but laugh at her stubborn determination. She was bound and determined to stand even though lying down was best for her. It made me think of myself. I can be very stubborn and strong-willed; sometimes to my own detriment, just like Princess. I dig in my heels and refuse to do or refrain from doing what is best for me. I must look as silly as Princess; repeating behavior that doesn't work yet hoping that the results will change. I'm sure there are times when God shakes his head and chuckles as he waits for me to put aside my stubborn attitude. My hope is the next time my stubbornness rears it's head, I'll think of Princess and just lie down....
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