Pictures

In last weeks Parade section of the Sunday paper, a woman asked why she generally liked the live version of herself in the mirror, but didn't always like what she saw in a photo.  The writer from Ask Marilyn told her that what is seen in the mirror is a reversed image that you are familiar with.  'A photo, however, shows you what others see.  When you see your face that way, it looks strange to you...'  I can relate.

After having my younger kids, I began gaining weight.  During my pregnancy, I had trouble gaining weight so I was put on a high calorie diet; 6,000 calories to be exact.  I ate all the time; especially the last few days in the hospital before the kids were born.  I would start with two breakfasts.  Yes, two.  Then it was a mid morning snack, followed by two lunches.  By mid afternoon, I was having a snack or two just in time for my two dinners to arrive.  Then about an hour before going to sleep I would have my evening snack.  I even had a snack in the middle of the night.   During that time, I grew tired of the constant eating.  The problem, however, was that the eating became a habit that I continued after the kids were born.  As a result, I gained a lot of weight.  I could see that I was getting bigger, but I had grown familiar with what I saw.  My wake up call came when I saw myself in a picture.  I stared at it for quite some time in utter disbelief.  Had I really allowed myself to get to such an unhealthy point?  Did I really look like that?  Not only had I gained extra pounds, but I had resorted to wearing my husband's extra large shirts!  I was finally seeing what others saw; a woman who had neglected her health and had given up on trying.   That photo was my catalyst for change!  

Which makes wonder what others see as I go about living my life now.  Do they see me differently than I see myself?  When I make a sarcastic comment, do they think I'm funny or  mean?  When I offer to help, do they think I'm doing it out of love or because I want recognition or control?   When I express anger, is it proportional to the circumstances or does it seem out of balance?  When I am teaching, do they see a desire to share knowledge or someone who wants to show superiority?  Do they see a generally positive person or  one who focuses on the negative?   Getting an accurate picture is important.  There have been times when I thought I was being funny, loving, appropriately angry, or generally positive, but I wasn't.  I was negative, angry, prideful, controlling and mean.  Fortunately, I have some friends and family (my kids in particular) who are willing to show me what I really look like.  Sometimes the picture isn't pretty and it makes me uncomfortable, but it's what I need.