Today I was brave. I went for my annual exam, which alone is an act of bravery, and I left my underwear on top of my clothes.
Now, you may be asking how is that an act of bravery?
I recently read a post about women hiding their underwear in their clothes when going to the doctor. I laughed as I realized that I do that all the time. As if they don't know that I came in wearing it. (And no, this is not the time to debate going commando.)
But why do I hide it?
I think it's because it represents such an intimate part of me. It's something I wear close to my body. It's something that only a few people see. And it can say a lot about my mood. Granny panties mean I'm feeling blah. Cute, colorful panties mean I'm feeling good and confident. You get the idea.
And just like my underwear, I sometimes want to cover myself and not let people see the real me. I want to be hidden, not seen. I want to be safe. But I've decided that change is in order. I want to be seen. I want to be known. I want to be brave.
So, I left my underwear on top of my clothes. I don't know if the doctor even saw them, but I knew they were there. It made me feel confident. It made me feel strong. It made me feel brave.
I'm not sure what's next for me, but I know that I want to push myself to be more honest, authentic, and brave as I live my life. I'm excited about the possibilities...
P.S. The next time you're at the doctor's office, leave your underwear on top. I dare you!
Monday, March 23, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
There are days I want to quit...
Today I don't feel like writing. I want to go back to bed, pull the covers up, and just wait for another day.
I hate days like this. Days when I think, I'm not enough. Days when I think, I can't do this. Days when all I can think about is how I messed up. Days when I would like to quit.
I know that it's just the old tapes and Satan trying to discourage and derail me. But knowing that is not enough to stop the lies circling my brain. I need something more powerful than mere knowledge. I need SOMEONE more powerful. And that someone is God....
Amazingly, He will sometimes use people to help get me out of my cycle of shame and disappointment. Today He is using my children.
It's Spring break so my kids are home, including my oldest. As I watch them laugh and talk, I am reminded of the incredible blessing they are. The blessing I wasn't sure I would ever have. The blessing I was sure I couldn't handle. The blessing I was sure I would mess up. Yet, here they are because God was faithful, merciful, and gracious. And that trumps the lies every time!
I hate days like this. Days when I think, I'm not enough. Days when I think, I can't do this. Days when all I can think about is how I messed up. Days when I would like to quit.
I know that it's just the old tapes and Satan trying to discourage and derail me. But knowing that is not enough to stop the lies circling my brain. I need something more powerful than mere knowledge. I need SOMEONE more powerful. And that someone is God....
Amazingly, He will sometimes use people to help get me out of my cycle of shame and disappointment. Today He is using my children.
It's Spring break so my kids are home, including my oldest. As I watch them laugh and talk, I am reminded of the incredible blessing they are. The blessing I wasn't sure I would ever have. The blessing I was sure I couldn't handle. The blessing I was sure I would mess up. Yet, here they are because God was faithful, merciful, and gracious. And that trumps the lies every time!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
How Do You Define Family?
When I was younger, I would have defined family as broken, dysfunctional, frustrating, hurtful, and virtually nonexistent.
My father left my mom when I was very young. For many years it was just her and I. There came a time, though, when she wanted to share her life with someone. The problem was that she didn't choose wisely when it came to men. They hurt her and they hurt me. She finally came to the conclusion that marriage was not for her. She told me that if she talked of marriage again, I was to do whatever it took to stop her. So twelve years ago when she said that she was getting married, I was angry. I called and told her sternly (I yelled) that she should not get married again. She ignored my pleading and married. I had no idea that he would be the man God would use to redefine my family.
Over the years, I watched as he loved my mom well. He spoke well of her whether she was present or not. He was patient and kind. He was forgiving. He treated her with grace and dignity. And when she got sick, he did all he could to care for her. He was the man she had always deserved.
Then something remarkable happened when my mom died. Instead of my family getting smaller, it grew into something wonderful! Upon her death, her husband made a promise; we would be a family....always, no matter what.
Incredibly, I have experienced a greater sense of family since her death. There is a closeness, a love, a caring for one another that has grown exponentially. Even his family has embraced us and welcomed us. I only wish my mom was a part of this transformation. It's the family she always wanted to create for her children. A family that still has its problems, but is now defined by love, laughter, and encouragement.
My father left my mom when I was very young. For many years it was just her and I. There came a time, though, when she wanted to share her life with someone. The problem was that she didn't choose wisely when it came to men. They hurt her and they hurt me. She finally came to the conclusion that marriage was not for her. She told me that if she talked of marriage again, I was to do whatever it took to stop her. So twelve years ago when she said that she was getting married, I was angry. I called and told her sternly (I yelled) that she should not get married again. She ignored my pleading and married. I had no idea that he would be the man God would use to redefine my family.
Over the years, I watched as he loved my mom well. He spoke well of her whether she was present or not. He was patient and kind. He was forgiving. He treated her with grace and dignity. And when she got sick, he did all he could to care for her. He was the man she had always deserved.
Then something remarkable happened when my mom died. Instead of my family getting smaller, it grew into something wonderful! Upon her death, her husband made a promise; we would be a family....always, no matter what.
Incredibly, I have experienced a greater sense of family since her death. There is a closeness, a love, a caring for one another that has grown exponentially. Even his family has embraced us and welcomed us. I only wish my mom was a part of this transformation. It's the family she always wanted to create for her children. A family that still has its problems, but is now defined by love, laughter, and encouragement.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Miscalculations
What would you tell your younger you? That's the question I asked my family. One of my sons said, 'I would tell myself that I didn't have enough room.' I turned to him, puzzled. 'You know, when I hit you in the head with the golf club.' Oh, how I remembered....
Several years ago after his golf lesson, I was showing his older sister how to hold a club and swing. Unknown to me, he too was practicing his swing right next to me. All of the sudden I felt a blinding hit to my head. It brought me to my knees. I saw stars and blood began to flow. He and my daughter looked on in horror. They thought he had killed me. He didn't. I just needed a couple of staples, some ibuprofen, and a couple of days rest. It took my kids a lot longer to recover.
That's how it is when our perception is off and we miscalculate. It can lead us to startling and even devastating consequences. 'I thought I had enough money for retirement' as you head out the door to a new job at 70. 'I thought I could trust her' when your secret is now the talk of the office. 'I thought I was smart enough to not make that mistake' as you realize you got taken in by a swindler. 'I thought I could get away with that' as your spouse finds out just how much you spent at the mall. 'I thought I could take care of that myself' as you realize you are in way over your head. 'I thought I had more time' as you look at your loved one in the casket.
Miscalculations...they are unnerving. They remind us of our humanness, our fragility, and our need for grace. And how sweet that grace is when we come up short. It covers us as we deal with the consequences. It tells us we are not defined by our mistakes. It tells us we are forgiven. It tells us that we are still loved and valued. It heals and restores. Grace, take it in deeply and then share it with someone who needs it...
Several years ago after his golf lesson, I was showing his older sister how to hold a club and swing. Unknown to me, he too was practicing his swing right next to me. All of the sudden I felt a blinding hit to my head. It brought me to my knees. I saw stars and blood began to flow. He and my daughter looked on in horror. They thought he had killed me. He didn't. I just needed a couple of staples, some ibuprofen, and a couple of days rest. It took my kids a lot longer to recover.
That's how it is when our perception is off and we miscalculate. It can lead us to startling and even devastating consequences. 'I thought I had enough money for retirement' as you head out the door to a new job at 70. 'I thought I could trust her' when your secret is now the talk of the office. 'I thought I was smart enough to not make that mistake' as you realize you got taken in by a swindler. 'I thought I could get away with that' as your spouse finds out just how much you spent at the mall. 'I thought I could take care of that myself' as you realize you are in way over your head. 'I thought I had more time' as you look at your loved one in the casket.
Miscalculations...they are unnerving. They remind us of our humanness, our fragility, and our need for grace. And how sweet that grace is when we come up short. It covers us as we deal with the consequences. It tells us we are not defined by our mistakes. It tells us we are forgiven. It tells us that we are still loved and valued. It heals and restores. Grace, take it in deeply and then share it with someone who needs it...
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