As I walked up the stairs, I could feel them coming. All the usual signs were there: the flushed face, stinging eyes, beads of sweat on my upper lip. They came as soon as I opened her door. Tears. They began slowly, then began streaming down my cheeks as the flood gates opened. It was the first time I had been in my oldest daughter's room since she left for college. Her walls were bare. Her bed not slept in. The loss of her daily presence gripped my heart.
They came again later while driving. I passed a billboard celebrating the survival of a cancer patient. The sadness engulfed me. There will be no such celebration for my mom. Her cancer is rare, tenacious, and deadly. Her healing and celebration will come as Jesus ushers her into heaven.
Grief....the emotional response to loss. Just to say the word brings a heaviness, an ache. Grief is not something we look forward to experiencing. In fact, most of us do whatever we can in order to protect ourselves from it. But it never works. Grief comes to us all.
So in this season of grieving, I am learning to lean into it. To feel the loss, the hurt. To be present and not try to deny it or hide from it. What I've experienced is not only the sadness, but the comfort, peace, and dare I say it...joy. Not in the loss itself, but what the loss reminds me of.
I miss my daughter a great deal, but am reminded of our wonderful relationship and the deep love I have for her. A love I wasn't sure I would ever experience. And as I have the honor and privilege of helping to care for my mom for a short time, I am reminded of the grace and restoration that God has brought to our relationship. He has brought us so far and there is great joy in that.
I know that grieving is a process. There is an ebb and flow to it. And really, it won't be finished this side of heaven. But as I walk this path, I know I am not alone. I have family and friends. Most importantly, I have a God who is "close to the brokenhearted" (Psalm 34:18). He gives me His peace and comfort. He holds me close and gives me hope. He is the source of my joy.
